


An Act of Contrition

by witkneec



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witkneec/pseuds/witkneec
Summary: An accident on the job leaves Holly confused and hospital ridden. And then- she remembers every horrible moment that had led them there. Her, drugged and restrained, and Gail, at the bottom of a river.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, y'all. Part 1 of 3. Things have to fucking suck before they get better. Please don't yell at me. Or if you do, make it constructive I guess? Mistakes are all mine. Please let me know what you think. I've got a lot of shit going on right now (I guess volunteering at the DNC before a major election will do that to you- oh well, and hey- vote, will ya?) but if there's a lot of interest, I'll try to get it out more quickly.

It's bright- that's the first thing that registers in her muddled brain. The next, pain, a rather tremendous amount. A gasp slips out of her lips and it's met with a soft hand on her arm and a familiar voice. Her brain doesn't struggle to produce the name, “Rachel” slipping out in a breathy, shaken tone that surprises her even as it lingers in the air. 

Rachel doesn't speak for a long moment, simply skims her fingers over Holly's forehead in a gentle motion, shaking out her own breath and grabbing a glass of water that was beginning to sweat on the bedside table. Wiping the condensation on her dark pants before bringing it up to the pathologist's lips, uttering a soft “slow, Hol” as she takes a long sip, her sore throat soothed immediately by it and waking Holly up all the more. Enough to become aware of her throbbing head, her heavy arms. The “what happened?” is met with a shaking hand and eyes that skitter across the room, desperate, it seems, to avoid her own. Her stomach sinks as images begin to push at the edge of her consciousness, her brain beginning to function a little better, a nagging feeling starting to push at her heavy chest. 

“Rachel, what-?”

But Rachel speaks over her friend, her voice a tick more chipper than normal, as she begins to click the side lamp on the opposite side of the room, turning her face so it isn't visible to Holly's blurry eyes. 

“-Lisa's on her way, said she was finishing up but that was close to an hour ago so she's got to be close and- uh, Maggie, she's out- outside, been here since Lisa called her and met me here, she's super excited you're ok and- to- see you, you know, after we all went out the other night. Been asking about you, too-”

The pain comes back full force with the name of the woman Lisa had been pushing on Holly since things had gone tits up with Gail and she gasps, bringing her hand to her aching skull. Gail. Gail. 

The normal pain- the kind that had been knocking relentlessly at her chest for nearly two weeks since the disastrous night at the Penny and the subsequent silence from the woman she was in love with- is in love with- is there but there's something- something new- that twists at her gut and pushes painfully against her skull. It makes her clutch at it and then her chest as grief- thick and hot- starts to choke her, the clenched hand then going to her chest to grip at the starchy material of the hospital gown. 

“Holly, honey, you have got to breathe, okay?”

Holly closes her eyes for a moment to guard against the tears threatening to fall. Tears that she couldn't quite explain. The melancholy that has been there for days upon days was there, of course, but now- now it was joined by a deep and penetrating sadness that she couldn't place. When it doesn’t flash immediately on the back of her closed closed lids, she searches through the thready, jumbled pictures flashing through her confused brain. She takes a deep breath and speaks. She's thankful when Rachel doesn't comment on the tears coloring her voice. 

“Rachel, what happened? Why am I here?”

She doesn't answer. When Holly opens her eyes, her stomach churns because Rachel doesn't meet them and busies herself with pouring more from the plastic pitcher into the glass of water that she hands back to the frowning pathologist. Holly takes it and sips at the cool water and lets it further soothe her burning throat all the while watching her long time friend busy herself with anything that doesn't have to do with answering Holly's questions. 

Holly says her name again, clearing her throat when her voice breaks, seemingly ruined. 

Rachel takes a deep breath and Holly watches her shoulders move up and then down with it. She turns and if Holly had thought that the dread in her stomach was thick before, it didn't compare to how she felt then; Rachel's face was drawn and her eyes, now that the light illuminated her dark and lovely face, were accented by deep circles. Another deep breath, another utterance of Holly's name, this time regretful and reluctant. 

“Holly,” she repeats, hesitantly,”we don't know much. But- Holly, there was an accident. You were on the scene of an accident, and-”

A loud burst of unexpected sound and energy as Lisa rushes in, her hair still immaculate despite the exasperation present on her face. She gestures and Maggie- a bouquet of crumpled roses clasped in her hands and a too- hopeful smile on her fair face- follows closely behind, meeting Holly's eyes as soon as she can. Lisa's tone is brusque and caustic and she speaks with the air of superiority that reminds the pathologist too much of that night at the Penny when she'd blown the heart right out of Holly's chest. And these words? Even as Maggie tries to thrust the flowers Holly had always thought to be overrated and honestly a bit ugly at her, do just the same. 

“God, sorry, Hol. I tried to make it quick but with everything going on, I had to wait in traffic for fucking ever and then once I made it in, all of Runaway Barbie's friends wouldn't even let me in the door. God, so much for serve and protect, am I right? One of them actually looked like she wanted to deck me. Like all of this is my fault or something. And hey- look who I ran into. Someone who didn't pull a runner. Sweet of her, don't you think?”

Rachel seems to be shocked to silence by the words as Holly's mind is sent careening. Maggie tries again to speak and smile and give the flowers to her but Holly looks at Lisa and speaks over her saccharine words. 

“Traci? She's outside? Why is she outside? Who else- is- is-” 

Holly's voice breaks. 

“-is everyone else? Is Gail?”

The silence is thick and gives her the answer she doesn't want. She lets out a humorless laugh and chokes on the tears brought out by her misguided hope. 

“Yeah, I know. Stupid. Stupid question. Well, you can tell them they can call off their watch, okay? If Gail refuses to see me, then they don't need to worry about me, alright? I'm not-one of them.”

But Lisa's eyes snap first to the devastated woman in the hospital bed, then to the lost looking woman with the bouquet. 

“Maggie,” her voice is gentle but there's an underlying pinch that doesn't go unnoticed by anyone in the room,”you should probably go home and let Holly get some rest, ok? She'll- call...”

Rachel looks sharply at Lisa and Holly's stomach sinks, somehow, even deeper than it already had. 

“Someone will call you later, okay?”

Maggie looks over at Holly, her frown and disappointment clear. 

“But- I- I just wanted-”

“Yeah, we know what you want. Maggie, now is not the time.”

Holly's eyes go wide when she realizes the words come from her own mouth. Lisa looks at her with a kind of pride she's not sure she's ever received from her best friend. No one says a word as Maggie's body moves quickly out the door. 

A beat. And then another before Rachel finally speaks. 

“Lisa, shut the hell up. She doesn't remember- yet. You know the effects of sedatives and with the stress of the whole- situation- she doesn't know. Lisa.”

Holly watches, her brow furrowed, and her heart pounding in her throat. Lisa closes her eyes, pinches the bridge of her nose, and sighs before she turns to the wall to collect her thoughts. When she turns, her eyes are soft and her voice is as well. The tone is one that she reserves for the families of patients, Holly gulps. The one they'd all learned together in medical school. 

“Holly,” she says, “you were at work. On the scene of an accident. And- something- something happened. To you. And- to Gail. Honey.”

Rachel is suddenly beside her, her hand steadfast and warm even through the crisp coldness of the hospital gown. When Lisa tries to grind out the words, Rachel takes over. 

“Honey, the car started to roll, you got caught up on the bumper or something. They said your blazer, uh, God- it started to pull you down an embankment that sloped down into a drop and then a river? Gail- was there. Got you untangled. Saved you.”

Rachel's eyes harden and she directs the stare and the words toward Lisa, her mouth twisting in distaste. Lisa twists her face and actually looks contrite. 

“She saved you, Holly.”

Elation. Relief. God, if that's all it was? A near miss? And God, guilt passes through her, heady as the joy is, if Gail was injured helping to save her and laid up in a hospital bed? No wonder her friends were waiting to see how Holly was. She had to see her. Had to tell her- everything. That she loved her. That Lisa had been so wrong and no, the radio silence wasn't okay but neither were Lisa's demeaning words. 

“But-”

Brown eyes, blurry without her glasses, snap back to Lisa whose whole body seems to have deflated with Rachel's continuing explanation.

“But, Holly. Somehow she got tangled up herself, and, Holly. Honey. She went down with the car. It- fell over and sank into the water. Was swallowed and pushed down river. They- haven't found the car yet. It's been so- rainy. And Gail. They're searching but Holly, they haven't been able to- I'm- I'm so so-”

But the words don't reach her ears because then images begin to assault her instead. The flashes of Gail trying in vain to keep from looking at her as Holly began to process the scene. The sudden panic as Holly realized she was tangled not on the bumper but in the wheel well and felt herself begin to slide as the jack and tire blocks sank and did the same, moving more quickly as it gained momentum. The way she closed her eyes and resigned herself to a quick and violent end only to hear ripping and feel a strong grip, a loud yell as Gail called for help. Chris’ reassuring voice as Gail had made quick work of the jacket and pushed, hard, at Holly's shoulder to dispatch her completely from the vehicle. Relief. A flash of love and gratitude as she had met blue eyes filled with what Holly could swear was reflected in her own. Gail opened her mouth, took a breath, and jerked. Her slight brow had furrowed, panic suddenly clouding the look that had just set Holly's heart careening into her throat. 

“Holly, Holly. I'm so sorry.”

Holly's own brow had furrowed at the words, so full of contrition. 

“I- I love you, I need you to know that, okay? And nothing will ever change that. I love you and I'm sorry. You're the best thing to ever happen to me, okay? Okay?”

Elation. Pure joy and happiness and-

And then Gail was sliding. Her leg a mess of flesh and bones and tangled polyester caught in the wrecked spoke of this tire. Down and away from Holly's suddenly reaching arms. With desperate hands, Holly swiped at the pale appendages that were quickly separating from her own. A scream from her own lips followed quickly by rushing footsteps and Gail's other colleagues screaming her name. 

Holly was up and running downhill and then crawling through the brush that her frantic brain told her was directly before the sudden drop and fall- 

And then hands. Around Holly's waist that caught her as she began to meet open air. But Holly couldn't see anything, hear anything, except the blue eyes, somehow serene and accepting, and her labored breathing puffing out of pale pink lips, as the car plunged down into the thrashing water below and swallowed the heavy sedan and the suddenly still blonde. 

Silence followed for a long moment before the screaming started. Into radios. Into the distance as a large group of officers skittered off down the embankment to find a way into the water to their fallen colleague. 

Holly felt her body lurch toward the spot where Gail had gone, mindless, except to find her and get her and make sure that what she was seeing wasn't real. That Gail hadn't plunged down metres into a relentless swollen river because she'd tangled herself up to get Holly out from under the same fate. 

But then Chris’ arms find their way, growing tighter, around Holly's waist. He tries to speak even through the shake of his own voice, the shock trying to take hold of him and rip him apart the same way it was Holly. 

Holly who only registered the screaming of everyone around her- and finally, she realized, of her own voice, stuck on one name, as she struggled against the strong arms of another person who had pushed Gail aside, refused to fight for her, and watched her fade away from him. It was fitting in the worst possible way. 

They'd fallen to the ground as Chris had tried to keep the doctor from jumping forward, intent on honoring Gail's last action. Tears tracked down his cheeks and dropped into her own hair as she struggled against him, the sobs ripping unbidden out of her chest and into the open air, until Chloe is helping the both of them up and toward a waiting ambulance, hiding her stupid, less than peppy face from Holly, not wanting her to see the distress written on it. The resignation. The knowledge that the chances of finding the young officer alive were basically nil-

The last memory, outside the fog of grief, had been- a sharp sting. A needle. And suddenly Rachel's words make sense. Sedated. She had had to be sedated. Because Gail- had told Holly she loved her and said she was sorry- only to then slip away from her. 

Holly had always prided herself on how well she kept her composure. On the job, on the scene. She was a professional. 

But as the images begin to roost and become more and more clear, the air started to vanish from her lungs and her mouth opened in a scream of a name. Of the woman she loved. Who was probably already cold and dead and oh, God, had put her own life on the line for the woman she loved- only to end up on a slab in Holly's morgue. 

Rachel is telling her to calm down, Lisa is yelling for a doctor, her eyes and face shocked in a way Holly's never seen as her body buckles and sways in grief. The door swings and Holly sees Traci charge in right behind the doctor who jabs another needle into her arm. As the world begins to fade, Holly meets Traci's red rimmed eyes, vaguely feels her hand picked up and squeezed, hard, by the detective. 

She begins to fade back out, Traci's dark and sorrow filled eyes boring into hers, the last thought in her flagging mind only this:

That the next time she woke up, regardless of the condition, the only way she would ever be able to breathe again, would be if it were Gail's eyes and smile and grumbling voice greeting her. Holly had never been an unhappy person despite her profession. She was eternally optimistic and loved mornings and greeted the sun with a smile. But as her eyes closed and the medicine swallowed her consciousness, she wished for Gail beside her, regardless of what that meant for her own life. 

And then, it was gracefully quiet and dark. And Holly didn't feel anything anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry, life got away from me a bit and I was working on this tonight and realized there was a good 5 or 6 pages left to this guy, so, here: a chapter 2 with a promise to crank out the 3rd and final by the end of the month. I'm pretty private but I feel like I need to let y'all know that, well, long story short, I've been sick for a bit and finally got a diagnosis that is less than favorable but I started treatment this past April and my wife and I and my doctor are hopeful. Don't ignore your body when it tries to tell you something isn't right and get a 2nd opinion when you GP tells you you're too young to have cancer because cancer is a bitch and doesn't give a fuck that you're not male or 60+ and will take up residence in your throat and mouth whenever the hell it wants to despite you giving up your horrible, filthy, smokey, (and favorite) habit nearly 5 years prior to its appearance. Okay, so DON'T SMOKE, EVER, DON'T EVEN TRY IT, and also don't be afraid to get a 2nd opinion. That's probably better advice. But I'm a stubborn ass, too, guys, so no worries. Making the sick my bitch. And also this chapter, boom.

Gail Peck is an idiot. She knows it to be true. The evidence of her idiocy- her self destruction, her former therapist's voice suddenly popping into her head, unbidden- is all around her. Nick, somewhere up the hill directing traffic and making eyes at McNally and, then, Chris, to her right, trying to ignore the obvious tension that was now also her fault- her latest relationship failure and maybe (definitely) the most painful- Holly Stewart determinedly not looking at the officer. Why would she, after Gail had walked out?

Walked out after meeting her best fiends, her family. After Gail had heard the woman she had fallen in love with affirm to her best friend Boob Job that Gail was nothing but blue collar, meaningless, fun. After Gail could have sworn she felt her heart rip apart in her chest. After the initial hurt when she'd heard the buzzing of her phone and swallowed the guilt because it was outweighed by the pain and the embarrassment and then the shame-

The wallowing she's been indulging in for the better part of the month doesn't swallow her, though, because out of the corner of her eye, she sees the object of her despair lean down and then jerk. It's minuscule, really, the movement, the panic that sets on her beautiful face. And then, Gail is just moving, her voice bellowing and jerking Chris out of his revere. She doesn't register what she says, really, but it must be sort of clear because Chris is beside her and moving toward the woman who you can now see is tangled on the vehicle she was inspecting and starting to slide.

Gail's heart is fast in her ears and her eyes are wide with the terror she feels for the woman she loves who is starting to move with the force of the failing tires of the car blocked on the ravine and she's shifting to pull at the jacket and lurching forward with no regard to her own body. Because she's a Peck and although part of it is instinct, the better part of her moves with practiced discipline and ease but it doesn't matter. What does, all that does, is Holly and getting her away, which the loud tear in the suede and tweed of her jacket signals. The relief is immediate- Chris glancing at her with relief and what she thinks might be a little pride- but Gail-

She feels the pressure of the front wheel on her ankle for a moment before the pain sets in. Before her flesh tears and her bones twist- and it's then that every sense narrowed to the woman in front of her. And words were pouring out- true and aching and desperate and the joy, the wet shine that it gives to Holly's brown eyes, it's enough. Enough to drown out the horror and the pain that echoes in the back of her mind until she feels the pull of the tire upon tangled mess she has made herself in her haste.

When the car begins to build momentum, when she begins to slide down the hill, it rushes by quickly, mercifully. There's some awareness of Holly's moving body, chasing Gail's, panic present in every cell of her as she runs and then crawls through the brush right before the heavy body of the car is projected off the edge of the cliff, Holly's eyes the only thing she can see before she's weightless and then, she's gone, gone, gone.

It's dark, for a moment. Blissfully, beautifully dark. Silent and serene and then- she's drowning, water pounding, arms and feet flailing and looking desperately for purchase and unable to find it. Her mind blacks out, weighted- and she's-

  _-she's falling._

_Her eyes snap open, throat caught on a sound that comes out choked and short, breath catching as her mind rushes to catch up with sensation. She hears the pounding of her heart, feels it resonate through her thrumming and pleasure caught body. Another choked gasp before a gruff utterance of her girlfriend's name, Gail's shaking hands coming to rest on the cheek of the woman who was working her mouth against her, descending upon the younger woman, working against the taught skin of her abdomen with a grin that Gail can feel against her palm, before Holly's mouth is hot and her tongue is against Gail's clit. Her back, taught, her eyes wide and sparking with the pleasure that Holly's tongue is evoking. Gail's eyes that are locked on the woman situated on her knees in front of her, smiling even through the rough rasp of her tongue as it dips down, running a heavy line from the bottom of her entrance to the tip of her clit before Holly glances up, locking with the wide, blue eyes of her girlfriend, shirt pushed up and over an aching breast that tan hands come up to cover and squeeze before backing away to bring dexterous fingers toward her nipples to tweak and soothe, lingering for a moment before letting her mouth suck, hard, and returning those hands and fingers back to repeat the motion._

_“Fuck, Holly...yes.”_

_And the way Holly's eyes snap up to Gail's, deep and glazed with arousal that only causes more wetness to gush between her legs, it begins to be too much and her eyes shut, head pushing back into the pillows when her right hand is suddenly joining in with her mouth and then thrusting two fingers up and into her and that was it, she was crashing down into sensation, the sound of Holly's hands and mouth and tongue against her being replaced by the rushing in her ears as she comes- all she can hear is the white noise in her ears as she arches up and takes a desperate breath, breaking up and out-_

-out of the waves, rearing up and toward the surface, water gushing out of her mouth as she struggles against the swell. Only her right arm and left leg really make any movement and she begins to panic as the swell becomes a torrent and drags her under. Down, down, down, again and again and-

_-and again and again she's coming as Holly's mouth and fingers never cease, her fingers curling and twisting as her tongue wraps itself around Gail's clit and brown eyes meet with wet, crystalline blue that grow wider before a third intense wave makes them snap shut and roll upward and a strangled cry boom from her mouth and reach up and out into the open air-_

-as she struggles to breathe. Half formed thoughts of survival that twist with the muscle memory of the fall and scream and pleasure that is Holly and the scattered, thready bursts that remind her why she is where she is- the woman whose safety became much more important than Gail's, the random surge of relief that comes even in the fury and horror of the situation she finds herself in- body fighting against the current even as she can feel the car sink and mercifully detach from her aching limb that moves more freely once the immense pressure is sinking away from her. It doesn't last though, water impeding her even further as she's sucked further down river, her head being dunked once more as the rain picks up, the wind stealing her breath even as she makes it back to shore. Her heart bottoms out when her vision starts to blot and darken. Gail only feels it buoy back up when the darkness fully takes her and it's left to drift with the woman whose voice echoes Gail's name on the drop off above her. And cuts through the rushing of the water to tunnel into Gail's ear, inching her cold lips into a semblance of a smile.

Long moments as her body begins to still, her breath and heart ever slowing as she dips further and further into the undertow. Her body begins to lighten as her life begins to seep into the cold and dark. And for a moment, Gail Peck accepts it. The leaking of her life out into the ether as light begins to bloom behind her eyes. And it's serene and silent.

Until an unnatural thrashing is echoing into the storm. Until a shaking but strong hand is clamping down upon a stiffening, soaked shoulder encased in blue polyester. Until the voice of a man is screaming out into the chaos with an anguished but relief tinged timber as he registers the pallid face of his sometimes partner.

“I've got her! Peck, I've got her!”

Oliver's radio sparks with noise and is garbled by the choked sob as he repeats the words with more triumph. As a rope and then another hand is grabbing his now sopping vest and pulling him and his precious cargo to the muddy shore. As another voice is reprimanding him for the action, for not waiting for the emergency crews who were only then heard splashing into the water, as the sound of the helicopter and the spotlights were beginning to be seen overhead. But Oliver doesn't move or let go or stop looking at Gail Peck for a moment, hands going to her vest to rip it off before opening his mouth to seal over hers and bringing his shaking hands to pump against her now sopping, tank top laden chest. As he tries to breathe air into her lungs, desperation further rattling his already harried countenance.

A kind voice enters soothingly into his ears even as Price folds her hands over Oliver's and smiles as brightly as she can. As paramedics take her from his reaching arms and continue compression all the while bracing her back and strapping her neck and head to a board, whisking her away while his throat constricts and a blanket comes to settle around his shoulders. As Chloe's cold and shaking fingers come to rest on his cheeks and get his shock- glazed eyes to focus on her own as she forces her own tears away so she can wipe at Oliver's that slide down his chattering cheeks.

“You did good, old man,” she's whispering, her smile as teasing as she can muster.

It does its job and forces a smile and a laugh out of his ruined throat and she rubs at his back as the remaining paramedics make their way toward the pair of them, shining a light in Oliver's eyes even as the EMT is being pushed away. As Oliver refuses medical attention and simply turns to Chloe, suddenly serious.

“Pull your squad around, Price. My apologies for the mess, but- wet or not,we've got an officer to talk to about being all heroic, saving her lady love, and giving us all a goddamn heart attack in the process.”

Chloe is choking out a laugh of her own as she pulls him up and wraps the blanket around his shoulders and begins to move at a quick clip, surprised when Oliver matches her step for step.

When they finally make it to the car, Chloe doesn't cringe at the wet “thwap” as Oliver launches himself into the passenger side and slams the door, the sound of peeling tires and the screaming of the siren drowning out everything else as she speeds toward the hospital, shaking, wet hands gripped to the wheel, trying to force the image of Gail's blue lips and pale countenance out of her head- and the ruined, desperate keening of Holly Stewart's voice, stuck on her name- from ringing in her ears.


End file.
